Guest Blogger: Why is it so hard to get married these days? | By Bethie Kohanchi M.A. LMFT

Have you ever heard the stories of your grandparents or great grandparents pre-arranged marriages? Have you ever wondered to how those marriages ever lasted?

 

When I think of pre-arranged marriages I have to ask myself, “Are you kidding?” The older generations never had the luxury of “dating” their potential spouse; they never had the extravagance of making such a crucial decision which would decide the course of the rest of their life. That said, why is getting married so difficult for our current generations? And despite the comfort and security of prolonged dating, where the couple is free to choose each other, why do half of today’s marriages still end in divorce?

For most of us, choosing the “right partner” is one of the most important decisions, if not the most important decision, of our life. However, we often miss the central point of marriage, that union is not a choice that one makes, but rather a commitment. We also need to understand the commitment is ongoing. The commitment needs to be made and remade every day. That means while dating, we should ask our important questions. Is it imperative that the other person on our date is not rich? Should the other qualities of the person be overlooked just because he is driving a luxury car? Or maybe we are thinking “the guy is not financially secure, so he’s not good enough for me.” Are these even reasonable thoughts, after all, we all have seen millionaires lose their fortune overnight due to unforeseen economic reasons. We have to accept there are many things we really don’t have much control over in many aspects of our future.

 

Just for a moment, imagine the expectations of a pre-arranged married couple (actually, probably not much expectation to begin with) and connect that to the current generation of young people ready to get married. Ask yourself, “Are my expectations skewed, am I really dating the right person?” Or maybe we have delayed getting married by convinced our self marriage is about “picking the right person” or “making the right choice” when the real thought is – “there is someone better than the person I am currently dating right around the corner.”

 

Being married is about being committed to a relationship; and by that I mean, in “a healthy relationship.” There will always be differences between partners, but the key point is how we deal with and express those differences. Also, both people should understand the power of shared commitment to building something together that lasts. Building something together serves as the foundation for all the other gifts a successful marriage offers.

 

What else lies at the foundation of a successful relationship? Physical attraction, emotional connection, and intellectual parity are all important qualities to compatibility. But remember, if you decide to run a marathon, you aren’t just choosing to show up on the day of the event. You are taking challenge that means conditioning every day long before the race begins. If you skip a week of training, you might not make it to the finish line. The same applies for a successful relationship. You must work through the issues of the relationship every day! And yes, that is every day! If you skip a day without training, of learning how to improve your relationship, you may not make the best of the whole relationship!

Bethie Kohanchi M.A. is a  Licensed Marriage, Child and Family Therapist (LMFT).  She may be reached at bkohanchi@hotmail.com, at 310.968.6648 for appointments.