Guest Blogger: Expanding upon “Why is it so hard to get marry married these days?” | By Bethie Kohanchi M.A. LMFT

My intention was not to further expand on my previous posting on this blog, regarding the subject of marriage, yet, due to the many excellent comments received, I felt a need to explore the subject with the readers some more. I would like to note that I don’t necessarily write this from a Judaic/Torah point of view, since my limited knowledge in that area makes me unqualified to do so.

I have counseled many couples and singles on the challenges of marriage and generally I see the couples who seek help, are ones who for the most part, lack the necessary communication skills for a solid relationship. Individuals who come in for consultation are seeking a partner in life, and are usually trying to find themselves at the same time.

There are many phenomenon and or circumstances that play a major role in dating and marriage, for example: one’s culture, perception about life, expectation of marriage and of course age, and many more.

Every culture deals with dating issue differently; some cultures promote dating at an early age, while others hint at dating in later years. Some cultures only date through known acquaintances or recommended person, while still others may only do blind dates. Some cultures may not even give the person the option of choosing a date. It is important here to please keep in mind that within every family exists a DIFFERENT CULTURE. That means no matter how close a family you and I have, what my family’s expectations of “dating” is, may not be acceptable to your family’s “dating” expectations. Therefore, family expectations of how dating should be or when to start dating may delay or encourage earlier marriages.

A person’s individual perception about dating or marriage can hinder marriage. For instance, unrealistic expectations can be a big setback for some people. Unrealistic expectations can be different for each individual, what may be unrealistic for one, may not be for another. A good example to illustrate this point: the culture and language barrier.

Then we have another question: How do you know when your expectations are unrealistic? Talk to your friends, get advice, talk to married couples you know. Married people can shed light on what you need to focus on or not.

Another important issue to be aware of is your expectation of what a marriage should be about. If you are looking for someone to be just like you, or a marriage that has no arguments, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. You may have a long wait before Prince Charming arrives! Instead, look for someone who has empathy, who can understand your struggle in life, who can provide support and who offers help to guide you. Look for someone who you are not afraid of telling the truth to about the real you! Look for a person who is flexible in life and situations, who adopts to change easily without resorting to blaming others. As I mentioned earlier, marriage is about being committed to a relationship, about working through the many various issues that can arise.

As we age our expectations about dating also changes, some to our advantage and some to our disadvantage. For instance the person who you would want to marry when you are 20 years old, most likely would not be your choice when you are 35. Young people usually (and I emphasize usually) do not know what they really want from life, marriage or their spouse, and once married they just adapt to the life they have made for themselves. As one ages and looks for a spouse, different issues present themselves. She thinks she knows exactly what she wants in a partner, and because she is so exact in her list of requirements, she may never find that one person. Getting married in later years has the advantage knowing what kind of a person you want, however, if you limit yourself to a too specific population, you are closing yourself off from many other potential opportunities.

I once had a client who was only looking for certain type of a girl. He had finished medical school and was working. He eventually met his dream girl, but even when he found her, he had doubts and continued to contemplate about whether or not this was the “perfect girl.”

The point is: You may find the perfect person—but are YOU going to be ready to accept who that person is?

You have to know yourself, your needs and wants before you are able to know who you are looking for, but beware of being too rigid in your choices, we are all human and therefore all different.

Hope that helped !

Bethie Kohanchi M.A. is a  Licensed Marriage, Child and Family Therapist (LMFT).  She may be reached at bkohanchi@hotmail.com, at 310.968.6648 for appointments.