Have You
Invited Anger Into Your Life?
7 Simple
Strategies for Controlling Your Unwanted Guest
By Bethie Kohanchi M.A.LMFT
Anger strikes everyone, without exception. What will
differentiate you from others is how you deal with it. If you find yourself
become angry more often than you'd like, or letting anger dominate your
behavior, there are some easy steps you can start following right now that will
begin the process of getting your anger under control.
Research reveals several common characteristics among the
chronically angry. The primary ones being a heightened emotional sensitivity, a
greater than normal likelihood of being emotionally hurt, and a tendency to
abruptly feel insulted where others would not.
We are surround by opportunities to invite anger into our
lives on a daily basis. A child's temper tantrum, getting cut off by an
inconsiderate driver, or a simple disagreement with a loved one or partner. As
we travel through our daily lives and notice each of these incidents we become
aware that anger is as much a part of those days as any other feeling. It's how
we deal with it that counts.
The key to dealing with those moments is flexibility.
Being able to adapt to unfamiliar and unpredictable circumstances allows us to
manage our stress levels. Another way to manage stress, and therefore anger, is
integrating the necessary skills to cope with stressful situations before they
escalate. Again, to cope with them, not to control the situation, or try to
manage and guide it to the outcome you desire.
Here are some things to consider the next time you
invite anger into your life:
- When you are angry you need to accept and acknowledge your anger. Recognize that you are the person with the problem.
- Sincerely promise yourself that you will change, and that you will learn ways to deal with your feelings. This is a long term commitment.
- Remember to give yourself some time to think when you're angry instead of reacting immediately. Go for a walk, take a bike ride, do some quick grocery shopping or low-stress errands. Anything that will give you some time away from directly interacting with the external trigger of your anger.
- Stop trying to control others, and the situations that you find yourself in.
- Accept that there are differences between how you may be perceiving a situation, and how someone else might. It is not about who is right or wrong. It is about finding a way to accept the other person for who they are, while simultaneously accepting that you may simply be different than them.
- Always use “I” statements when you're angry or when you're trying to communicate your feelings to another person. Instead of saying, “You made me angry when you . . .” use an “I” statement like, “I feel angry . . .” or “I feel sad when I hear you say . . . .” When you use “I” statements you are already taking responsibility for your feelings, and the situation so that the person you are speaking to does not have a reason to become defensive. If they don't have a need to defend their actions or what they said, the likelihood of confrontation is immediately lowered.
- Last but not least, you need to clearly
express what's bothering you. Be specific and direct about what's making
you upset (With a touch of tact and politeness, of course!). Remember,
it's not what you say, it's how you say it!Ms. Bethie Kohanchi, M.A. L.M.F.T., is a licensed Marriage, Child and Family psychotherapist as well as a qualified Hypnotherapist. She is also the Founder of The Kohan Foundation.She specializes in couples and children work, and has special training credentials in sexual addiction. She also has intense training in working with drug addiction and mental illness.In her past Ms. Kohanchi created mental assessments in the LA County jail system and the Woman’s county jail in Lynnwood California. She worked with psychotic disorders in a community based clinic, and continues this work in her own private practice and with the Department of Mental Health.She has counseled victims of women of domestic violence, facilitated anger management groups for court mandated clients and facilitated parenting groups.She received her Bachelor’s Degree from UCLA where she did research in the Psychology Department and received her Master Degree in Clinical Psychology at Antioch University.http://kohanfoundation.org/310-968-6648
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